Today I made myself a cup of delicious coffee in my french press. I then decided that it was time to put out my Fall decorations, unaware that this is the first day of Fall. My home looks so lovely tonight. I have battery operated candles all around and decorations of colorful leaves and pumpkins on many of my table tops. I even turned on my fireplace tonight to help with the ambiance. My home is so beautiful tonight. It is actually gorgeous, lit by the firelight and the candles’ glow. It is cozy and homey. My tummy is satisfied with the great dinner I had as I sit on my screen porch, writing and reflecting over it all.

Tonight I went out to dinner, then out to see the movie, Home Again, starring Reese Witherspoon, with a neighbor friend. We both laughed and enjoyed it immensely. When we left the theater, we waited until two couples passed by us on the stairs. Both of us felt a momentary sadness pass through us as we followed behind them. My friend is a widow, like I. Both of us have been alone for seven years now. Sometimes it just creeps up on you: WHY, LORD? WHY ME? WHY AM I CALLED TO WALK THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT MY PARTNER?

My friend and I are both extraverts. We get energy by being with other people. When we return home, alone, our energy begins to drain, once again, until, like people with cabin fever, we work hard to find places to go, where the people are. It’s not a perfect science because, sometimes, other people aren’t as ‘needy’ of company. That’s why I have worked hard to find lots of single women in my neighborhood. I’m fortunate to know quite a few. I’d say I have access to about fourteen of them that I can text to see if, perhaps, they are needing to get out as well. Some are introverts. They may be content watching tv, reading a book or just hanging out in their pajamas. For them, going out is not urgent. In fact, they get their ‘batteries’ recharged by being at home in more solitary pursuits. They enjoy going out socially, but it is more taxing to them, so they will have to return home to recharge, while my friend and I start the draining process again once we return home. Isn’t it strange, how differently we are made?

Early on, I remember crying out to God in frustration, telling him, “God, I am an extravert! I need people! Why did you take my companion away from me? Of all people to put in the position to be ALONE! You said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone and you made him Eve, so how is it good that I should be alone, then?”

I have had seven years plus to ponder this question. I don’t have an answer, but, one glorious day, I will. Meanwhile, a still, small voice has spoken to my soul and told me a strange and mysterious secret: one day, in Eternity, THESE are the days that I will look on most fondly,. They are PRECIOUS DAYS,. I am actually BLESSED to have been chosen for them. While my earthly mind struggles to make sense of it all, I am assured that all is not what it seems.

How can such pain and loneliness be completely turned around? We are supposed to thank God even for the challenges in our lives, but it’s difficult, isn’t it? Yet, the soul whisper of the One who loves me most, sooths me with this eternal promise. I believe that, in Eternity, I will enjoy gathering around others whom also were given this earthly challenge. We will sit there, reminisce, laugh and MARVEL at the wonder of it all. We will get beauty for ashes…..somehow. We have been allowed to go through this process. We are given a time out where we find ourselves searching out our Father for reassurance, for we no longer have a partner on Earth from which to receive it. It is as if we are jumping out of a plane without a parachute. We ride the wind’s currents supported by faith in the unseen. It’s not always pretty. It’s sometimes painful, but we are doing it!

Many years ago, I discussed a certain scripture in my Sunday School class. It said that we would earn crowns for the good that we do here on Earth. I puzzled on that for so long. I couldn’t understand why I should want crowns. It didn’t seem rewarding or even the decent thing to do to focus on earning crowns, and, besides, all have fallen short of the glory of God and our good deeds are like filthy rags there in Heaven, SO NO MAN SHALL BOAST…so what is this crown business? Some in our class said that the crowns were to be laid at Jesus’ feet. I heard it said in a seminar once that some would be delivering their crowns by loaded dump trucks but some would perhaps have one, or even none. Am I earning crowns through this? I don’t know but, frankly, it still doesn’t motivate me.

I don’t know why this time in my life is precious, but that soul whisper assures me that it is. Like so many things of God, ours is not to know. We cannot wrap our heads around all that God knows and does. Here is what my emotions tell me: I am alone. I am lonely. I feel abandoned. My heart yearns for my best friend who had to go on and leave me behind. All of these emotions hit me while, right under my nose and in plain view, couples continue to have what I miss so much: a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a buddy to share household tasks, a partner for any and all daily adventures, a voice to tell me I’m still pretty even as the lines and the pounds continue their assault on this earthly vessel……but MARK MY WORDS: my soul knows an incredible secret: I AM BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THIS CHALLENGING TIME. One day I will know enough to be so grateful. I will hold my head high, knowing that, somehow, I received MORE than others, not less.

It is my soul’s secret, a mystery that is yet to unfold, and, now I share it with you. God has surrounded me with love, with comfort, with blessings untold, and I will continue to do my very best to keep looking for these diamonds on my solitary walk of faith as I try mightily not to compare or wonder why. God is in love with me, and He cannot WAIT to show me the fullness of this gift of widowhood that He has given to me.

For now we see as in a mirror, darkly, but then we shall see Him, face to face….. Jesus who ordered the leftover loaves and fishes gathered up wastes nothing. He won’t waste my tears. Satan meant it for evil, but God…..BUT GOD….meant it for good.  Funny: if we knew the details, perhaps those couples would see my friend and I and envy US.

Just now, as I prepared to close tonight’s blog, I heard a loud POP. Then another loud POP. I thought, at first, did a transformer blow? Then I thought, was that a gun? I then looked over my shoulder and guess what? To punctuate this mystery, to send personal encouragement to his daughter, to tell her she was on the right track, GOD SENT ME A FIREWORKS SHOW on my screened porch, his exclamation point to tell me BINGO! YOU’RE RIGHT!

Believe it or not, my Father just personally sent me a spray of DIAMONDS sparkling across the nighttime sky with a POP to get my attention.  That’s how much He loves me.