Forty-six years ago, today, I walked down the aisle to become the wife of Larry Alvey. Our future lay ahead of us as we dared grasp for the golden ring. I was twenty. Larry was twenty-two. We had no idea the ups and downs that lay before us, but we jumped into the sea of matrimony.
Our risk paid off: we won the jackpot……until the time came that the two that became one had to split up and become two again. God taught us how to put together a good marriage. We followed His plan and put together the kind of marriage in fairy tales. We were the overused word, “Soulmates.” God never told us how to take it apart again, so, now, I am left with half of me torn off, with remnants of the glue that failed to hold. I must learn to walk alone, unsupported, like when I was young….but I am not young anymore.
What do you do with a big, important moment in your life, one you celebrated for many, many years, after it’s over, one that ‘dried up like a raisin in the sun’? Do you sit it on a shelf in the closet and pretend it’s not there? Do you hope that others will come to your ‘Alvey Museum’ and ask to see some artifacts? Do you do your best to ignore it, stuffing it deep inside of you?
Grief is a living, breathing thing. It is different for each person. You try things. They work for awhile or they fail miserably, but you just keep pressing forward, confronting until the angry, red sore in your life settles down into a scar. You never forget it, no matter how hard you try.
I have chosen to celebrate our wedding day, if and when I think of it. We never divorced. Personally, I feel it was worth celebrating. Today, I took myself out to breakfast and will go out to dinner with a girlfriend this evening. It isn’t the same. It’s a new kind of normal that I haven’t fully grown into yet.
Larry and I met on August 14th. His birthday was the 24th, and our anniversary was the 28th, all in August. As I go through these aches and pains on the long road toward healing, I rejoice in the fact that Larry doesn’t have to endure them. He endured chemo and the pain of an esophagus that no longer worked as well as a liver that stopped functioning. He dealt with numb feet and a pilot’s eyes that could no longer see, plus the agony of knowing that he had to say goodbye to our children and I before the party was over. He’d had so many years of having to leave on trips overseas, so, to do so again was tough, but, perhaps, it was God’s way of allowing him to practice a very difficult thing. As I go through my pain of being left behind and the triggers that threaten to break me, I am so grateful that Larry didn’t have to face what I have to face, just as I am sure that he was grateful that I didn’t have to face what he did. I cannot imagine the loneliness he would have felt, here, without me. I think that, for men, it is much more difficult because women usually have a network of available friends all set up, friends that tend to be good at nurturing.
In the end, as I reflect on my wedding, I realize that we chose our moments of exquisite over a lifetime of nothing special. I realize that, if it hasn’t worked out all right in the end, it’s because it’s not the end, and something else, too….
I rejoice over the fact that I got the proposal, the ring, the showers, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception, the cake, the flowers, the bridesmaids, the flower girls and the honeymoon, followed by the building of a home and a family with the one I loved.
I should not be sad that it’s over. I should be thankful that it happened.
MARILEE ALVEY 
Beautifully said! I celebrate all of the wonderful moments you we’re blessed with along with you. So glad you had a lifetime of them as so many of us don’t. Hugs to you!
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Love that last line. You are a very special lady. Sure glad you have chosen to share your wisdom.
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As I was reading the first couple paragraphs, my heart was sad for you and my mind kept saying, “No, celebrate it Marilee. Celebrate!” You had what some couples never achieve. What God intended marriage to be. Everlasting love” And then you said it. “I choose to celebrate,” I was so happy.
Life is a choice. Love is a choice, that’s why marriages fell so much. Hurt, embarrassment, jealousy, pride, I could go on and on. We are choosing to allow that emotion consume us OR we can ignore it, refuse to let it and give it to God. Ask Him to take the pain away. Easier said then done, right?
I have a friend. We have been together for over 30 years. I love her so very much. God put us together at a really bad time in her life. So it was God’s love for her that brought us together. Now here in Tennessee, we live next door. But she has a tendency to hurt my feelings and then two or three years ago she betrayed me and my oldest son. That was a hard pill to swallow. But I had gone to a Ladies Retreat and the speaker actually spoke on giving those things to God. She said we could choose not to be hurt. And low and behold, she was right. It didn’t happen over night but God did take the hurt away after a lot of praying and tears, it worked.
I don’t know why I got off on that other then maybe the Lord told me too. Because your situation is different. All I wanted to tell you was to celebrate,
In August my parents were married 70 years. One in a nursing home in Normal who is pretty much a vegetable with a good mind. The other in a memory care unit in Bloomington who is lucky to know who she is well alone her husband. My siblings and I felt it would be best just to let the day go by like any other. If daddy realized it was his 70th Anniversary and could not see mom, he would be sad. It was just hard on us kids. So I told them all to celebrate their anniversary in some way. I had an impromptu Italian dinner for 6 girlfriends. Glen was busy so I wasn’t going to let that stop me. We had a blast eating and sharing all in celebration of my mom and dad.
So yes my sweet friend. Celebrate. All of it, anyway you can.
I love you.
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You still have that writing gift Mom! You and Dad were such an amazing couple. I always knew that as a kid, but after being around other couples and at marriage conferences, etc., I can see that you both were truly exceptional. You’d think that would’ve made you and Dad great at hitting the marriage circuit and speaking at conferences, but maybe not, because how would you teach people to get through rough patches? “One time, Larry and I were mad at each other for 3 full hours! But then we patched it up and didn’t have any other major arguments for the rest of the year…”
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Son, did you know that we TRIED to do that? We took courses in couples’ counseling, but no one wanted to hear how it can be successful, for most of them had already notice theirs wasn’t. They longed to talk to someone who’d been close to divorce and put a good marriage together again. That was Don and Cathy, not us! We decided that the place we belonged was couples’ counseling before marriage, when they don’t expect any problems!!! Dad used to say he’d like to go across country and give talks about how to keep women happy. He said it was SO EASY!! He said that, if you show kindness and caring to a woman, she will outdo herself to return that kindness in spades! He was so right. We learned so much about how marriage can work well. I always worried that we’d make it look too easy for our kids! Marriage takes work, but not so much for the two of us. We were best friends. We preferred being with each other than with anyone else. I was just as happy running errands with dad as I was flying to Europe with him. He was so much fun and a delight to be around! He made me laugh, and that’s pretty important in our family!
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By the way, thanks for the writing compliment. I find that all of my three children inherited it. That makes me so happy!
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