Every mother desparately wants her children to get along with each other. She loves each one of them, unconditionally, so she wants them to go through life, uplifting and encouraging each other.

Unfortunately, such is not always the case. Children grow into adults, and, sometimes, adults harbor grievances, real and imagined. Even if it is imagined, it is real to the one who holds it in his or her heart.

A mother errs in thinking that her children can love each other unconditionally. Unconditional love is grown through parenting. Your children didn’t parent you or each other. They will have unconditional love for their children, in most cases, but you can’t ask them to apply it to siblings because siblings grow up with some resentments and antagonism. Early on, they must compete for mom’s attention, then have to compete for toys. They are set up to compete. They must share space with a roommate they didn’t choose. We don’t compete with our children. We just love them, and it’s hard for us to accept that they don’t see as we see.

After my husband, Larry, died, I felt an intense need to gather my chicks together. I wanted more than anything for them to stick together. Perhaps I was conscious that they could lose me, too, and only have each other. Perhaps I just wanted peace and unity to come from Larry’s death. I’ve heard of families where the only thing holding them together was the mother…or father….and when they were gone, they each went their own way.

I know that splitting up with your siblings is a loss, for no one else knows the benefits and challenges of growing up in YOUR family. No one else holds the key to so many precious family memories as your siblings. My brother and I love to reminisce about our growing up, our parents and grandparents. My brother is four years older than I, so he remembers some things I never knew. His memories never cease to amaze me. I tell him that he must NEVER DIE….until after I do, at least. Did we get along as kids? Nope. Now, we treasure each other. He’s coming for a visit two days from now, and we will then vacation together for a week. Growing up was tough, but we made it. For the record, my mother, when she died, wasn’t sure that we would! She thought we’d fight over her things….but it was the easiest process ever. No fights. No arguements. Very rarely did we both want something, and, when we did, we said we’d take turns. She’d be SO HAPPY to see how we actually like each other now.

Years ago I could sense that my children did not feel about each other the way I felt about them. I have my views of them, colored by my experiences with each of them. Sadly, they have their own views of each other, colored by their own experiences with each other, and it wasn’t always good, either. That having been said, they DO get along, SO FAR. Will they after I am gone? I don’t know, but it’s not my problem. In my eyes, each of my children will always be a child to love and encourage. Not so with siblings. They make NO excuses for each other or their behaviors.  I forgive them readily, no matter what. They see each other as adults….who should know better. Perhaps I don’t see that because, if they don’t know better, it’s my fault! (That’s how a mom thinks!)

In the last few years, I have come out of my grief coma and realized that I don’t have any control about how my children see each other….or IF they see each other. It would be my WISH that they value each other and strive to keep a relationship going, but I have absolutely ZERO control over that. Oh, perhaps they could fake it for as long as I lived, then split up after I left. What would be the point of that? They ARE adults, and they must make their own decisions of who to keep in their lives and who not to keep. Some people feel that others are toxic to them. Some grown kids take more effort to get along with. They are EGR’S (Extra Grace Required). Some don’t have the extra energy it takes to foster a relationship like that. As parents, we have no control over that.

My kids seem to love each other, though each is vastly different. All require patience. Mothers are trained to have the patience. Perhaps this is why, when a mom departs, it’s so difficult for the children. No one will have the patience toward them, ever again, that their mother did.

My advice to moms (and dads) who are frustrated with adult children who don’t get along is to do your best to tell yourself that, though their days might be cloudy now, yours is all blue sky! Don’t waste precious time here on Earth trying to change grown children. If they don’t get along, they might reconcile someday after you are gone, and all that wringing of hands you did over them will be for naught. Once you go, Heaven will call you Home, and you won’t have to worry ever again about those knot heads!

We can’t control others, but we can control ourselves. You did your very best. Let it go. We are done raising our children. They now have choices to make. I remember not allowing my kids to call each other names in our home. I remember telling them, “If you want someone to call you names, just step right outside our front door and the world will be happy to oblige you. This house is a safe zone where we all can live with love and encouragement, not insults and discouragement.”  It worked while they were home, but, when they left home, it was up to them to follow my advice…or not. If they don’t, it will grieve this mother’s heart tremendously, but I know I have given it my all. They will do what they will do….

Don’t give your kids’ drama your precious time. You’ve done enough of the referee thing. They are old enough to figure life out on their own….or at least they should be. When I get called Home, I am NOT going to even glance backwards to mend others’ fences. I deserve to rest in peace from my labor…and so do you. Hey, let’s practice it NOW!