My neighbor, Sheila, invited me over for dinner this evening, a simple supper, but you know how that goes: those simple suppers are EXQUISITE! First, we had some rosé wine on Sheila’s porch under the ceiling fan, which was absolutely perfect, then we went inside to have dinner.

Sheila made bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches! Like that’s not going to be good! Corn on the cob? Yes, please! Sheila and I both come from the midwest, she, from the upper peninsula in Michigan, and, I, from Illinois, so we are both corn aficionados!  Dessert was INSPIRED: vanilla ice cream with fresh peach slices on it. It reminds me of several years ago when I told my granddaughters about the song that says, “The rich eat cream on their berries…” Of course, I then had to get some berries and serve them with cream…..and added sugar. This was just like that!!! We got to play Big Boggle, too. We both love word games. I can still beat her much of the time because I’ve been playing it about twenty years longer than she, but she is rapidly gaining on me.

Even better than a simple supper was having a widow friend right across the street from me. When I have plans to go out with a friend, I am just excited, all day, looking forward to it. “I HAVE PLANS!” I want to scream. I have learned so much about how to be alone. Now, I enjoy that, too. Relaxing, reading a book, watching tv, writing my blog, all are wonderful interspersed with special events…..and next week is going to be a lot of special events with my family. I think that work makes us appreciate rest, and rest makes us appreciate work. It’s a balance.

Sheila and I talked of many things on the porch this evening. We laughed at our memories of early struggles with money, kids and vacations and marveled that our kids remember these times with a lasting a fondness, something for you parents out there to keep in mind if you are struggling in that stage right now. Relax. You are in the midst of making cherished memories. Who knew?  We also spoke of how hard we worked when we were young, so it’s nice to take it easy now. I cooked for three children. Sheila cooked for four. Her husband travelled a lot in his job and so did mine. I could go on and on about how hard we worked and the struggles we encountered, but who needs it? I get tired recounting it all! We decided we deserve to be tired now!  We also agreed that we had so many stages in our lives that seem so varied that it seems we’ve lived several lives!

The night of July 8th is Brookhaven’s Deli Night. It will be catered with potato salad, pastrami, roast beef, the whole nine yards. Thanks to our singles’ nights, we have networked with other singles and widows and will be able to save a table just for us singles. It’s not that we don’t love couples. It’s just that sometimes it makes our hearts ache thinking of the what might have beens….and, also, we enjoy doing things on the spur of the moment: movies, dinner out, whatever adventure we think up…..and singles are more free to do those things.

Sheila and I both live in condos surrounded by couples, somehow, but we’ve decided that’s okay. We have each other, and our other friends live on our same street: Brookhaven Circle.

Sheila and I have been so blessed in life. It’s been tough, challenging in spots, exquisite and amazing! Tonight, I ponder over the diamond dust that has fallen on Sheila and I and am filled with gratitude.

Have there been moments, days, weeks, months and years of SHEER TERROR? Absolutely, without a doubt, but we made it through many valleys where we couldn’t see a foot in front of our faces…..and re-entered the light of day. We may have sunk deep into the water and come up gasping for air, but WE MADE IT. We might have some scars.  Troubles may have bent us and worries might have dug wrinkles deep into our skin, but you know what? We are still here to have a glass of wine on the porch and talk about it, and, one day, so will you.

Over this next week, you won’t be hearing from me. My son and his family are coming to visit me in Georgia. I am very excited about this because it’s been too long since I’ve seen them last, and they have never seen my condo where I now live. My head is spinning with ideas to feed a mob because, of course, my daughter and her family will want to be near. There will be eleven of us. I pray for stamina!

I well remember when I used to look in the rear view mirror of my car and see three little faces. Now, the trick is to get those three faces and their families together in one place. As their families grow and their savings shrink proportionately, it becomes more and more of a challenge, each year.

Once my family arrives, I am planning some activities:  swimming, to see fireworks and to watch an Atlanta Braves’ game. When I reserved our tickets today, I looked at my receipt: we are in the ‘DIAMOND CORNER!’ Isn’t that fitting?

I am so excited for the hellos! My Uber friend will be picking my family up at the airport. I will be waiting outside to catch a first glimpse of them….and to catch what my husband used to call the ‘p’ factor from Bijoux, my little fluffy marshmallow. I prefer for her to piddle on the sidewalk because, once she sees them, there’s no holding it in. She’s never met them, and she, like I, is an extravert!

Those hugs and grins from my grandchildren will be my DIAMONDS.  I imagine their cousins will be lined up, excitedly waiting for a first glimpse of them. The goodbyes? I don’t want to think about them….but my plan is to go have a glass or two of wine that evening. That’s my tradition when I have to say goodbye. It hurts my heart. I know my kids, now grown, can easily put up with it, but my grandchildren? Saying goodbye to grandma and the cousins will be so difficult. There will be tears. One day, we will never be parted again, but, for now, we have our own paths to walk. We must press on. I get that. My kids get that. My grandkids? Absolutely not.

There have been so many goodbyes in my life. When people leave, I am left with a gaping hole where they used to be. Meanwhile, they, whether in a new community or a new Heaven, are joyously investigating their own new frontier. I’d much rather be the one leaving than the one left behind. One of the best things about Heaven is never having to say goodbye again. I heard a podcast on Heaven from Rick Warren a couple of weeks ago. He said that Heaven is going to be flat out AMAZING, that there are simply no words to describe it (so the Bible tells us) BUT he said that, if you ponder what ISN’T in Heaven, there’s enough to thrill you! No death. No worries. No anxieties. No fears. No arguements. No catastrophes. No bad weather. No starvation. No meanness. No being forced to do work that is meaningless, difficult and unfulfilling. No misunderstandings. No politics! No “I can’t afford to do that/go there because I don’t have enough money/can’t get off work.”  As you can see, my mind races, joyfully, over these things, as if I were skipping over stepping stones. I’ve done this mental exercise a time or two!

As I continue my planning this evening, I wish you a summer filled with gratitude to warm your heart, sunshine to encourage your soul, rain to refresh your spirit,  and an abiding contentment in your very being, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.

 

Last week, I flew to Washington D.C. and met up with my daughter and her family for a week’s vacation. I am sixty-six years old now, and my frame is challenged with scoliosis that has worsened over time, so this trip was a challenge from the get-go. I only hoped that I wouldn’t slow my family down.

It turns out that every one of us except the four year old got very sore: sore backs, sore legs and sore feet. I was able to keep pace with the adults. That’s no reflection on how excellent I did, it’s just that none of us is skilled at walking great distances and climbing up tons of stairs. Throw in a heat wave and we are even worse….but we made it! I will never forget, late at night, walking through the Franklin Delano Roosevelt memorial. It went on and on and on……just like his four terms. In fact, I found out that the Memorial stretched on and on because it represented each of his terms. Meanwhile, I was so tired and so sore wandering through them all that I felt like shouting “FOR GOD’S SAKE, TERM LIMITS, PEOPLE!”

I saw such amazing things! One favorite was the Ford Theater where Lincoln was shot. We saw the actual gun that Booth used, then went across the street to the Peterson’s Boarding House where the President was taken to die. We saw such beautiful memorials. At night, it is all breathtaking! We saw things in the museums that are beyond description: the Gutenburg Bible, the original Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. We saw mummies, the Hope Diamond, George Gershwin’s piano, etc., but there was something else I saw…… It was so precious that I brought it home with me.

I saw America as it is meant to be! Over and over again, I read quotes by brilliant founders of the Constitution about how our government is FOR the people and gets its power FROM THE GOVERNED. When we would go into a museum, to the Capitol or the Library of Congress, just to name a few, we were told by guides that these buildings BELONG TO US, that we are welcome to visit FOR FREE! They belong to the American people!

My heart was so touched by a patriotism that had been missing in recent years. I had forgotten why so many men and women fought and died. It was for freedom and to be represented. In recent years, I have gotten the feeling that it is reversed: that government tells me what to do, but I forgot that it only gets its power from the governed, which is us. I remember, now, how our government is supposed to be. I have seen through the eyes of our founders. Every American should make that pilgrimage to the seat of our government and read the quotes on the walls, lest we forget.

I came home with some t-shirts for the grandkids. I also came home with a lot of aches and pains which are settling down now, but there is one thing so valuable that I couldn’t afford to buy it due to its great price…..so I just took it! What was it? It was a deepened patriotism that hadn’t been in me for awhile. It had begun to erode, but now, it’s been totally recharged.

I am an American. I love my country. I love her system of government with its checks and balances. I am so fortunate to have been born here. I pray that men and women will rise up and govern justly with wisdom and respect, without thought of power or privilege. I couldn’t help but think that many of our politicians on Capitol Hill need to be taken on a tour of the sites, to see what we stand for and what many died for…..so that they will not take their jobs for granted. If they are hired, they need to show up. They need to stand up when the pledge is read. They need to not only be present, but prepared to weigh in on matters before them, and it goes without saying that they need to do the job they were hired to do and vote on the issues.

Where are those men who hold our truths to be ‘self-evident,’ who will SERVE, NOT TAKE?  I was filled with pride for our history and all that has been accomplished. It hasn’t always been easy. Slavery, Sufferage, etc. Our past hasn’t always been glorious. Sometimes it’s been down and dirty, but we got through it, intact as a nation.

We need to continue the pattern of government our forefathers put into place after much editing, arguing and compromising. It works if you work it. It may sound simple to some now because it’s been around over two hundred years, but it still works.

Don’t be surprised if, this year on the 4th, I don’t shed a few tears when patriotic songs are played. Not only am I getting older and more sentimental, but my faith in America has been given a booster shot that is only available in Washington D.C.

Thank you, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Samuel Adams, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the many, many names on the Vietnam Memorial, the Korean War Memorial, the World War II Memorial, etc., etc., etc. for making and preserving this country.

May God shine his grace on America…..from sea to shining sea.

My old friend, Cyndi, brought up a concern to me, today. As my blog grows, there are people who don’t know who Bijoux is. She made an excellent point, so, as I began to contemplate introducing Bijoux, I thought, gosh, some of these readers won’t know me, either, so I should probably introduce myself as well.

I turned 66 years old in 2017. I am not ashamed of my age. Too many people are fighting, daily, to get where I am. Besides, that’s just the age of my shell, not my soul within me. I was born, Marilee Joyce Williams, in 1951, and was raised in Normal, Illinois, by my parents, Sam and Jean, both teachers, now deceased. I have just one sibling, my brother,  a retired teacher, who is now 70. I graduated from Illinois State University with a degree to teach high school English classes.

I married Larry Alvey in Normal, Illinois, in August of 1971, at the age of 20. Larry had his pilot’s license when we met.   He would later become an Air National Guard pilot for 22 years. Toward the end of that assignment, he bacame an American Airlines Pilot, based out of Chicago. He died at the age of 60 in July, 2010, after being a pilot with American for 25 years. It was the year he was to retire. Boy, did he EVER! Nice retirement plan, buddy! We had a marriage that was the happily ever after scenario, so saying goodbye to him on this Earth was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Four years after Larry died, I moved to Georgia, a big change that reflected the radical changes going on inside me, from being married for 39 years to widowhood.

I have three adult children, a daughter, and two sons.  Between them, they have given me nine grandchildren! Larry and I also became guardians of a young man from St. Petersburg, Russia, from the age of 16-19. We always counted him as one of our children, so I still do. He designs cars for Renault in Paris, France. He is my bonus son! To further introduce the players in my life, there are two girls who are sunshine in my life, my nieces, whom I might mention from time to time. They, too, are adults now. Since their mother has passed away, they are my inheritance, a fact I rejoice in daily. You might hear about them, here, too, from time to time.

From time to time, I’ll mention my dog, Bijoux. Her name is french for “Jewels.” I made it plural because I liked the word ending better, English nerd that I am. Bijoux was born August 26, 2016. I became her mama when she was ten weeks old. She is a little white pomeranian who looks something like a cross between a fox, a baby seal, a baby polar bear, or, most of the time, simply a ridiculous ball of fluff. She is my little buddy, my little companion, who has taken eight months to potty train! We have finally succeeded, for the most part. Being a puppy, still, she still exasperates me from time to time, as I do, her, but we are growing together, day by day. Today, I can honestly claim that I love her dearly.

I have introduced to you the main players in my blog and will try to be careful to explain better, in future blogs, about whom I am speaking. For the sake of their right to privacy, I will not be posting photos of these people, and, in fact, probably will just be calling them, “My daughter,” “my son,” “my niece,” “my Russian son,” “my brother,” or “my grandchildren,” if I mention them at all. This blog isn’t about my family. It’s more about faith, feelings, emotions, challenges and the world in which I currently reside. This is not my home. I am an alien here, so, when things get tough, I try to back away from it, say, “I’m glad I don’t live here,” and remind myself of my passport that reflects my true residence and inheritance. I am royalty, the daughter of THE KING, and I’m not talking about Elvis!

I leave you with a photo of myself and little Bijoux.

 

Silly, isn’t it? Today, I woke up and immediately placed myself firmly in lack. The struggle is NEVER over. That’s why I need so many tricks! Yes, today I woke up and thought, “This day isn’t for me. My dad AND my husband have died.” Well, NEWS FLASH: When WAS this day about me? Satan whispers, urging me to look at self, to care about self…..which is okay, UNLESS it is meant to put you in lack! This day never WAS about me! It was about paying tribute to dads in my life. Now that they are gone, my duty is over. No making special breakfasts, lunches or driving to see my dad, father-in-law or Larry’s grandpas! No cards I forgot to buy!

If I stay away from the card aisles, church and Facebook, I can make it an ordinary day and it will pass, just like the rest. The pull to put myself in lack has come, but I refuse. I live in abundance, in the many blessings God has given to ME. They don’t look like the blessings some get because they are MINE. Likewise, the blessings you get are YOURS. Neither of us has to hide them in shame because someone else doesn’t have them. They are ours to enjoy. Not boast of, but enjoy. I could dip down and give into placing myself in lack. It’s so easy to fall into a pity pit. You fall and are there for days. Perhaps you’ve bought party hats, expecting to have a party in that pit, but you will find that no one wants to join you at your pity party, no matter how many invites you send out.

The first Christmas after Larry died, I went out to Phoenix to celebrate an early Christmas with my son, Matt, and his family. Matt and I sat in my hotel lobby, wrapping gifts for our celebration and, as will happen, the incongruity of wrapping gifts and trying to be jolly welled up in me, and I started crying. I managed to murmer, “I miss dad so much…” I will never forget what Matt said next. He said, “I miss him too, mom, very much, but one thing you have to remember is that there are far more of us still here, hoping to have a happy celebration, than those who are not here.” I let that sink in for a minute.

These celebrations sweeten our time here on Earth, but we must never mistake them for the BIG EVENT. None of our ‘markers’ here on earth: births, weddings, Father’s Day, even Christmas can compete with the REAL world, the REAL life up in Heaven. They are just little ways to make the best of our time here on Earth, learning, training….. When a runner stops for a glass of water, it isn’t the end of his race. He doesn’t celebrate. He takes a very welcome drink, perhaps pours a few on his head to cool himself, then continues on his journey, refreshed and strengthened to reach the end of the race. He would never claim that those oases (that is the plural of oasis!) were the big event. The big event is crossing the finish line! These markers, though difficult, were meant to refresh us until we reach Home. If you don’t need one, don’t stop at it! Quite naturally, we will miss any empty chair but we should do our best to focus on those chairs that aren’t empty! Father’s Day is more difficult because there aren’t that many people to honor due to the solitary position of father, and, when they’re gone, what do you do? I will do my best to honor those dads by posting their photo on Facebook to say that I will never forget them, but then I will go forward into my life, grateful. I had a dad! I knew him! He knew all my kids! I had a husband who was a legendary dad! My kids knew him well! He saw every one of them graduate from college! He saw each of them married. He got to know four of his grandkids and knew about two more on the way!  That marker is COMPLETE! What of the people who still don’t know who their dad is? What of the people who never got to meet their dad because he died in an accident, at war, etc.? What about the childless couples who aren’t able to conceive? You want cause to make this a difficult day, they own the rights to that! (If you have a dad to honor, take this to heart as you rush around, signing cards, trying to be everywhere at once. There will come a time when you will be done with your duties, and, believe it or not, you will miss it.)

This is a perfectly good day that will never come again. It will never, ever be June 18, 2017, again. Be happy in this day!!!! Wag your tail in today! There are DIAMONDS in this very day, waiting to be discovered. I expect them, though I have no clue what they might be.

Happy Father’s Day in whatever way you choose to celebrate it…or not. After all, June 18th is just another day, no matter what Hallmark tells you!

******

I am writing this blog early today because, later today, I will be taking Bijoux, my tiny white ball pomeranian of ridiculousness, to Ms. Donna’s home to see the Dolly Mama (that’s what I call Bijoux’s mother, whom her owner, Ms Donna, calls “Dolly”)  and her other pom friends for a week while I tour Washington DC with my family. I’m going to need to pack, tonight, and, knowing me, I’d rather write than pack, so I’ll just write my blog early so I won’t have the excuse. If you see a second blog, you will know that this writer has failed. You see, I put the PRO in procrastination.

 

This morning, I did my Jesus Calling devotional book. As I began to read it, I was amazed for so much of it echoed my blog last night. They say that if you’re on the right track with something, God will send you confirmation. I believe he did. Here it is:

“Learn to laugh at yourself more freely. Don’t take yourself or your circumstances to seriously. Relax and know that I am God with you. When you desire My will above all else, life becomes much less threatening. Stop trying to monitor My responsibilities – things that are beyond your control. Find freedom by accepting the boundaries of your domain.

Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places. Your laughter rises to heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise. Just as parents delight in the laughter of their children, so I delight in hearing My children laugh. I rejoice when you trust Me enough to enjoy your life lightheartedly.

Do not miss the Joy of My Presence by carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Rather, take My yoke upon you and learn from me. My yoke is comfortable and pleasant; My burden is light and easily borne.”

So, when I imagined those big angels standing guard over me as I grocery shopped, and as I bathed Bijoux, my little white poofball Pomeranian, getting the poop off her rear end, as I laughed about that, Jesus was PLEASED because I trusted Him “enough to enjoy my life lightheartedly.” Absolutely cool. Jesus takes delight in the sound of my laughter!

Jesus wants me to stop trying to control things that are beyond me. He wants me to accept my limitations and quit trying to invade his domain (which only results in frustration and anxiety for me.  I become Atlas with the weight of the world on his shoulders)

Jesus wants me to LAUGH! He says it lightens my load! You know how we love to watch those videos on Facebook and Youtube of giggling babies? It makes us feel good all over! Well, doesn’t it just make sense that Jesus feels the same? We are made in His image! We love to hear our children laugh. Why wouldn’t he?

I LOVE that Jesus loves laughter! Frankly, laughter is music to my ears. I cannot imagine going to a Heaven that isn’t FILLED with the ringing of laughter throughout the realm! If that were not so, I’d have a problem. I wouldn’t fit in!

Years ago, Larry and I were guardians of a Russian teenager, Tony, a talented artist already, at sixteen. He stayed with us until he was nineteen. While he was living with us, I asked him to paint a picture of Jesus for my birthday, but not just any Jesus. I wanted a happy, smiling Jesus. I told Tony, “You KNOW that Jesus loved life! He LAUGHED! Tony, being a serious Russian toting that ‘Russian soul’ around which I think it very heavy, personally, went to the library and searched for some inspiration to do so. In the end, he told me he was Russian. He just COULDN’T. So he painted me a beautiful copy of Da Vinci’s Jesus. I loved it and always referred to it as, “My Jesus.” There are a few photos of Jesus smiling, but none were painted by Anton Shamenkov.

In summation, let go of things that aren’t in your jurisdiction. Laugh…..a lot! Got it? Put those files on Jesus’ desk, wag your tail in today and LAUGH! There is NOTHING you are anxious or fearful about today that won’t be taken care of by the time you get to Eternity….and without YOUR help, thank you very much. Worry and stress is OPTIONAL. You can go through life as Pooh or Eeyore. You’ll arrive in Eternity, either way, but one way, you ride first class, and the other way, you’re riding coach.

I hope you choose to ride up front……and sit beside me. Personally, I’m hoping the inflight movie will be a comedy.

I have some tricks I use to get through my challenges in life, tricks that help me maintain a positive attitude. I’d like to share them with you. I am a joyful, happy person. I grew into my name: Marilee Joyce and have found these tricks to be HUGE in maintaining my joy.

I have so many tricks that it’s hard to know where to start, but I’ll start in the beginning…and the end, the Alpha and the Omega. CS Lewis said that Joy is the serious business of Heaven. Heaven IS a place of sustained joy. Can you even IMAGINE IT? Some drink to get that high. Some have to take anti-depressants to even be able to feel joy, but in Heaven, it’s automatic. Doesn’t that just make you yearn to go there? If I ever get a report that I’m on my way Home, nobody better stop me. I’M GOING, and I’m NOT going to be concerned or feel guilty about those I leave behind. Jesus will take care of them, just as He has taken care of me.

So, here’s some of the stuff I say when I get negative about my appearance. When I look at too many tv stars, magazines, etc., and feel ugly, I always tell myself that I was selected out of the crowd by a pilot who had 20/20 vision, eagle eyes, yet he selected ME! If you weren’t married to a pilot, just go to a county fair and look around….

When I see an unflattering photo or are alarmed with how old I look in a photo, I tell myself to keep my eye on that photo because, in a year, I’ll think I looked pretty darn good, and I’ll wish I could duplicate it, knowing I won’t ever be able to, again. The difference between a bad and a good photo is ONE YEAR.

I look at my signs of age and tell myself, “You know, THIS isn’t going the right way! As bad as I think this is, it’s gonna get worse!” So I decide that this is the time to work hard on getting so much inner beauty that it blinds people to my exterior. Don’t dismiss this. I’ve actually done it, and it works. I think that people like the Dali Lama work hard to reach nirvana. I guess it’s kind of like that. Here’s an example. About six months ago, I had to drive about forty-five minutes away for some appointment. I stopped at a Starbuck’s and told myself to put a big smile on my face, that it wasn’t really about ME. It was about others. I got out of the car. There was a couple who looked to be in their early twenties. They were just darling. I watched them a bit mesmerized, trying to recall what it felt like to be so young and in love. I couldn’t help the smile on my face! They were from the South, so they were courteous enough to say hello to me, but the guy did a DOUBLE TAKE! He said, “You’re extraordinary! I don’t know what it is, but it’s like there’s some aura around you or something!” He came over and hugged me! HE SAW IT! So, now, I work hard on not getting wrapped up in what I look like anymore. It’s all going south, anyway, excuse the expression. Now is the time to boost up my inner beauty and make it dazzle…..LIKE A DIAMOND!

Not everybody likes me. Sometimes I think that I remind someone of somebody who was mean to her and I couldn’t BUY her for a friend! When I feel a frostiness, no matter what I do, or if it is someone I have known for a long time who begins to be terribly cruel to me, here’s my trick: I say to myself, “If I had any more friends, I’d have to take applications,” and then I just move ahead with an opening for a new friend instead of dwelling on the ways this one was cruel to me. They did me a favor! I have standards on how I will allow myself to be treated. That person just didn’t make the cut, so they bowed out to make room for my new friend, whom I can’t wait to meet!

Sometimes I catch myself thinking critical things about myself. Here’s my trick: I tell myself that, no matter where I go, there I am….so I’d better learn how to be my very best friend. If I am not my friend, who will be? Furthermore, I stop and ask myself, “Would you EVER say that to a friend?” Nope. I wouldn’t. I would speak encouragingly to my friends. Then why don’t I speak that kindly to myself? I try to encourage myself because life is sometimes hard. I need kindness. I need to know how to forgive myself because you can’t always count on others to do it for you. Be kind, even to yourself.

Sometimes I just mess up. I do something dumb or say something stupid. I deeply regret these things, of course, but guilt serves absolutely no purpose. The past is gone. You can’t go back there. If you could, I’d be in the 1950’s right now. So, I talk to myself like I would a friend (in the paragraph above) and say, “You know what? That was a mistake, but we have not been put here in this life to be perfect. Only Jesus is perfect. I will do my best not to repeat this mistake again.” The future isn’t here yet. I’ve got a shot at it!

How can I be happy in today? I take my lead from dogs. They wag their tails in today. They don’t think of yesterday when they had to go to the vets for a shot. They don’t think about how, perhaps, they might have to have surgery tomorrow. They don’t waste a day. In 24 hours it will be gone. I want to be happy today, when I don’t have a medical test hanging over my head. I love ordinary days. I thrive on them. Even if tomorrow has concerns, I try to be like a dog and I will deal with it when I get there. Jesus will give me enough energy and lead me through that day, whatever comes, but I’m not there yet.

Along that same vein, don’t you ever let others tell you if you should wear a swimsuit or a sleeveless blouse! I decided, long ago, that I deserved to go in the ocean or a swimming pool and, if people didn’t like it, they could just close their eyes. I am not going to give up any of my joy for people I don’t even know….and people who know me, like me, no matter what! I live in Hotlanta now. It lives up to its name. A year ago, I confessed to a my friend, Sonya, that I don’t wear sleeveless blouses unless I have something over my arms. She told me she no longer cared. She just wore the blouse because it was cooler! This summer I am working on that! Who are these ‘others’ who are so important that I dress for them? Have they ever said anything about my arms? If they did, how long do you think my arms would be an issue for them? Two minutes? I think I can wait that out. I’ll wear the sleeveless blouse!

Many years ago, Larry taught me to learn not to care about people talking about me. He asked me to dance at a nightclub. I protested, saying, ‘No one’s dancing…’ He said, “Then we’ll be the first!” He took my hand and pulled me out to the dance floor. Then he said something I’ll never forget. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to dance. Look around. Everybody’s looking at us!” Fearfully, I snuck a look. Absolutely ZERO people were looking at us! If they talked about us, how long would they talk about us? Not even five minutes. I think I could wait that out.

I used to care intensely about what people thought about me. I was such a people pleaser that I thought I’d never get over it, but something happened that changed all that. Larry and I were chairmen of our son’s high school auction. Afterwards, the chairman for the next year’s committee asked me to drop my notes by for her. The auction wasn’t going to be for another year, so right then you know how organized this woman was. Well, that year, our family had gone through a terrible trauma. I had just a few pages of meager notes. When I shared what I had, I knew that I would be fodder for some clucking amongst the new committee members, but I told myself that, could I have shared what we had to endure, they would be so impressed that we’d been able to even do that task! I wasn’t at liberty to share the information with her to clear myself, but I told myself, “God knows. God sees, and that has to be enough sometimes.” Yep, that was my trick to sooth myself. My people pleasing ended right there and then.

As a widow, I can look longingly on couples walking around the block or a group of couples out to dinner. I face this often, so I have several tricks.  First, if I begin to envy others, I stop and put myself in ‘time out,’ where I must list my blessings. I write them down, most of the time. After about 100 of them (and this is easy) I look at the list and see that I’ve gotten many blessings. They are just different blessings. The trick is to notice NOT what you don’t have, but what you do have. This puts you in abundance, not lack, and that ALWAYS improves your mood.

It’s easy to feel alone but the Bible assures us that we have NEVER been alone, nor will we ever be, so, now, when I am pushing a grocery cart through the store, people think I am alone but I think, oh, if they could only see the three huge angels in back of me. They accompany me everywhere! No matter how mundane the task is, they are there. I might be washing the poop off my dog’s rear end, but they are there. Sometimes I wonder if they ever gather together on break and complain about drawing me to watch over. Can’t you just see it? Can’t you hear their comments? That makes me laugh…yet I KNOW that they DON’T complain at all. It is their privilege to watch over me, guide and protect me. They are so well suited for their task. They were designed for it and consider it an honor. Every minute of every day is important. They, too, love ordinary days but they are ready if I come across one with high demands. They are very capable of stepping up their game! No, I am never alone. It’s taken quite awhile to internalize this one because let’s face it: we see only the visible, here on this earth. The invisible escapes us, but I try to imagine it, just as I will always try to imagine Heaven until I get there.

Early on after losing Larry to cancer at the age of 60, I caught myself walking through the grocery store aisles, musing over the drugs I used to control his diarrhea, his constipation, etc. I felt like God said to me, much like that quote in the Bible, ‘Why seek ye the living among the dead?’ when the disciples went to the empty tomb. God said to me, “What are you doing, looking at shelves of medication? Larry is now free of all that. He was only sick for a little while…  I cured him. LET IT GO!”

Sometimes in those early days, I wanted Larry back, but then, as my writer’s mind imagined it, I’d realize it would never work out. Oh, I’d primp and obsess about what I wanted to wear the day Larry knocked on the door, but I don’t think we’d be a good match anymore because he’d be SO DONE with the things of this Earth. Soon, he’d be imagining his Home and I’d catch him with tears falling on his cheeks and I’d have to let him go AGAIN, so, no, he can’t come back, even for a visit. It just wouldn’t work.

Here’s my next trick: I have three grown children. When nighttime comes, their personal burdens they have experienced become to heavy to bear due to their fatigue, due to the fact it’s dark out and it feels like Jesus, the light of the world, isn’t present. Whatever the cause, they are led to call or text me, late at night, to tell me about it. I am glad that they still remember me as their mom whom they could always go to! However, after their call or text, I lie there in bed and wonder how I’m supposed to sleep after all of that. You know how it is: your mind is racing with possible solutions….  Here’s what I do: I tell Jesus, “I have a file here that I don’t know what to do with. It’s late. I might be able to do something with this, but it’s not going to get done tonight. I’m tired and I need to rest, so I’m going to lay this on your desk. In the morning when I wake up, I’ll take another look at it and see if there’s something I can do. If not, I’m going to just give this file to you because, obviously, it belongs on your desk, not mine.” Sometimes I ask him to please rock me to sleep. It has always worked for me.

My next trick involves what to do when I worry or am anxious. I ask myself this: is there anything you can do about this? If there is something I can do, then I do it. If not, it’s not in my territory. I need to put the file on God’s desk. I may have to ask myself the same thing several times. If it’s a medical scare, a bill I forgot to pay, or whatever, I ask myself if there’s’ something I can do about it. Am I in control of that? No? Then LET IT GO. My kids know my saying well, “All you can do is the best you can do.”

I used to kid about how I wanted my tombstone to read, “She meant well.” I think that’s important to acknowledge. As I grow older, I read of all the ways I unknowingly endangered my children. I look back with 20/20 vision and realize the mistakes I made. However, can’t we all as aging parents say that we did the best we knew how to do at the time? I didn’t TRY to kill my young child with popcorn or a balloon. I did the best I could do, and so did you. Guilt serves no purpose. These things are in the past, and, as I said before, if I could go in the past, I’d be at a sock hop right now.

These are some of the tricks that have served me well. They’re not in any particular order. I just let them flow as I thought about them. I am sure I am missing some because I do this all the time. Perhaps you can pick up the pattern. When something happens that makes you feel sad or down, you must do what you can to redirect your attitude. God has promised to take the bad things in your life and bring good out of them. That’s a promise! I expect them, and so I look for them. When I find them, I call them out: they are my DIAMONDS! They are there for all of us, but only some of us will look for them. They’re not always obvious, but, the more you look for them, the better you’ll get at finding them. I suppose it’s the same way with people who hunt morel mushrooms. The more you look, the more you find!

In closing, tonight, I went out to dinner with two widow friends. On the way home, all three of us said that, had our spouses still been alive, NONE of us would have been living here in our subdivision in Johns Creek, GA. None of us. We knew. That was quite a moment. We had just turned up DIAMONDS because we realized how much God has blessed us to put all three of us here, and to have given us the gift of each other. God loves widows, all right. He’s keeping his promise in many ways. I am living among diamonds, but you know what? So are you.

 

For at least seven years, people have been urging me to write a book. Instead, I chose to use Facebook as my platform. I hoped to inspire and encourage others. However, it was not really suitable because, when people needed it, my thoughts were buried between photo albums, birthday wishes and, of course, laughter.

I didn’t know anything about setting up a blog. I imagined it as something I’d need a lot of direction to do, and, frankly, as a widow for almost seven years how, I had enough ‘Honey Do’ projects with no ‘honey’ to do them. I even had “Sonny Do” projects for my son-in-law, but work and traffic being what they are in Atlanta, I don’t have the heart to ask him.

It was a rainy evening. The grey clouds blew in with a wind that sent me scurrying to batten down the hatches, but it was over in no time. As the sun broke through, once again, my friend, Candy Wynn, texted me and said I needed to start a blog. She had no real reason to say that, just then. She’s been out of town for days, but, somehow, THIS TIME, the words instantly took root. Perhaps it was because there was no reason for her to say so that it stood out as TRUTH. It was as if, when that storm blew in and the sun broke through, God had spoken to me through Candy. Suddenly, I knew I needed to do it. I texted her, ‘Yes, I know, but I don’t know how.’ Candy replied that her kids could help, that she’d ask them, but, somehow, THIS TIME, I just knew I could do it. After all, when God asks you to do something, he also equips you to do it. 

Why did I wait so long? I have no idea, but then, God’s timing is everything. I have been working hard, lately, at trusting God, of being patient and content, resting in Him. It’s as if everything just fell into place…albeit seven years later. That’s fine. God’s in no hurry. He’s got Eternity, and, frankly, so do I.

It is important to me that I encourage others, for that is why I’m here. It makes sense that I’d need a format to effectively share, and now I do.  If you’d like to check out my blog, I’m at diamondgirl.blog  Easy to remember, no? I’ll be writing here a lot. Much of my writing will be about faith because I don’t know how to share my life and encourage others without it. Without faith, my words dry up and become just empty chatter. Expect it, here. If it offends you, I’m sorry not sorry, I guess you could say.  Also, you will, no doubt, read a lot about being a widow as that was a defining event in my life that molded and made me into the person I am today. My title, Marilee We Roll Alone, reflects that. Make no mistake, I ROLL! I hope that I can encourage others who are alone, for whatever reason, to be encouraged that they, too, are actually not ever alone…but more about that in another blog!

Thanks, Candy. You were the catalyst, the final nudge that pushed me over the edge into action. Now that I think of it, that makes perfect sense, friend. You ALWAYS hold me accountable, and I’m so excited to see where our friendship will go!

Tonight’s weather: scattered clouds with a promise of diamonds tomorrow!